Drifting

I have noticed lately that I am the most erratic and sporadic blogger there is! I visit a few blogs on a regular/daily basis and I find myself irritated if they have not yet posted that day! Yet I feel no obligation to write for myself. I am aware that this blog serves mainly as an outlet for me but it would be nice to even allow myself that luxury on a more frequent basis!!

Where did I go in all of this?!

So all weekend has been about the bathroom exploits of one little girl named Alexandra. Many victories have been achieved with just one disappointment. She would not poop no matter what I tried. As I sat on the floor of the bathroom for what seemed like the 14th hour in a row, I suddenly realised how much my life has changed and a feeling of somewhat panic overcame me. Nothing too much but definitely an awakening of how I lost myself in the process of raising my children. I started to look around at blogs and stumbled across some wonderful examples of what I thought I would be when I grew up. I always imagined that if (and it was a big if) I had children, they would somehow just become mini versions of me. Well that is not exactly true. Both my daughter and my son are hip, cool children who are always well dressed and look as put together as can be. What changed was me. I was once a hip cool well dressed put together woman. Now I look down at the grey t-shirt with some athletic team emblazoned across the chest, and the rather frumpy jeans and I wonder what the hell? My face has not seen make up in god knows how long. My hair was last cut by my good self in a fit or rage at its complete inability to look fabulous on demand. How did this happen? How did I let myself go? And how did I let myself go this far? It cannot simply be having children. I see so many women with children looking just wonderful. So maybe it is having an autistic child that did it. But I don't think this can be the case either. Maybe I just hide behind that but it cannot be the reason. I see many mothers at the therapy waiting room who look as though more that 5 minutes has been put into themselves that day. So it is me. Great, something else to work on!

So I must lock away the "well I spend so much time taking Alex to her therapies" or the "Alex is very destructive and cleaning up the devastation takes so much of my time" or the always popular "I spend so much time chasing her around and making sure she is safe that I have no time for putting an effort into me". All these are true but they are just excuses. So I need to get busy and start looking after me a little. Maybe a nice haircut to begin - ooh what is in fashion these days? Should I go for the Jennifer Aniston look or is that already passe?! Oh, I guess some current cultural and style references may be in order!

Oh there is a God!

Well I made my resolution that this was the time to potty train my sweet little Alexandra. After writing it last night, I woke up feeling that it had to be now or never - my inner Elvis came a shinin' through! So after her morning at school, she came home full of smiles and joy. I had removed all diaper temptation from the house, lest I weaken and just opt for the quiet life. Her immediate request was for a diaper but I calmly told her that there were no more diapers and she would have to use the toilet from now on. This did not seem to bother her at first but as the afternoon progressed and her bladder ballooned, she became more agitated. She would go to the toilet, sit for a moment and then simply get up and leave. Still no actual elimination of bladder matter! After 6 hours of this, she became very mad and I almost buckled but I held firm and (look away faint of heart) I locked the bathroom door and left her to it. She was mad for about 5 minutes, but then I heard nothing for a while and I managed to look under the little space beneath the door (what do you do on a Friday evening?) and saw that the floor was soaked and so was she. She had finally peed! Granted it was all over the floor, but it was in the bathroom and I took that as my victory for the day. But there was more to come. After giving her enough positive reinforcement to sink a ship, she was given all kinds of love and the ice cream that she had been begging for all day. An hour later, it happened. She simply got up from the couch, went into the bathroom, put her little stool next to the toilet, put her seat on the toilet seat, climbed up and peed into the toilet - no muss, no fuss. I cannot explain how gut wrenchingly, overwhelmingly, unbelievably proud of her I was at that moment but it just made me feel awash in love and hope and all of those good things that make us warm and fuzzy inside. Yes today was a great day. Tomorrow? Who knows. Today - they cannot take it away!

one of our alps of autism has been climbed!

A new Year and lets make it a good one!

It is January 4th, the start of a new year and a chance to take stock and make changes! Or not! Tomorrow is the first day back to school for Miss Alexandra after her Christmas holiday. She has not regressed nearly as much as normal and I take this as a great sign. Of course, I cannot shout this too loud as I am trying to get her into a program that has more hours, more one on one and more intense therapies. If the school district even gets a whiff of progress from Alexandra, they will use it to take away the last argument they have to not pay for the better program. So I get to dress her pretty and send her on her way in the morning. It is odd how much pleasure I derive from putting her outfit together, getting her backpack all set and then sending her out to the bus. What still amazes me is that I do not rest until that bus drops her off at my door again. I do chores, run errands, take the boy to the library or park, but she is always dancing around in the back of my mind. My little mind only rests when she is back safely in my line of vision.

So I have decided that in the spirit of the new year, my resolution will be that my daughter finally becomes toilet trained. She is going to be 5 in just 2 weeks and enough is enough. I have tried so many of the methods researched on the internet, or shared with me in a therapy waiting room, but nothing has worked so far. I must just soldier on and find the combination that will work for her. Resolution - to be resolute, to be determined. I can, I will, I must.

Well enough of the rambling. My pillow calls me and I must answer the call. Morning comes soon!

An update - it has been over a year!!

So as you can see, I have not exactly been keeping up with my blogging obligations! Over a year since the last one - wow I suck at this! So quick update! Moved house, New speech therapist, finally have an Occupational Therapist, husband has been deployed to Afghanistan and returned home safely (thank god) and now Alex is hopefully changing to another school and new program (fingers crossed). So, how have you been?! Well it is Christmas in just 2 days and I felt the need to simply sign in and say Seasons Greetings. I wish everyone a peaceful new year and I will make a resolution to blog more. After all, if I dont blog, who are you going to ignore?!

Annoying hubby makes for mad mummy

Sometimes I want to just rip his head off just to see if there is anything in there. The anger I felt was just heightened by a meltdown of the screaming variety from the little girl. Just a morning that I want to erase from memory and start again. I have a headache now but just writing down the firs sentence made me feel better.

Happy morning makes a happy mummy!

Daddy is off golfing with visiting Grampy. Brother is being almost helpful and not too annoying and the little lady had a great morning. A happy, no meltdown, art filled morning at school followed by a hug and some new words for mummy when she came home. These are the moments I enjoy. Bring them on. Now to the kitchen to make gumbo, bake a pie and just enjoy the calm. The rough waves will be back soon enough!

rain brings happiness to the wee girl

We finally had some rain this week in the Puget Sound area and it brought with it a strange occurrence - words! The girl has been so verbal since the rain came. As though it washed the fog from her brain and helped to navigate the thoughts to her mouth. A fun few days for sure. Grampy Rick is here too so a fun time is being had by all. Days like these help temper the meltdowns and hissy fits. A new school is also being thrown into the equation but appears to be going well.

I love that fresh feeling that rain brings to the air here. I love the air being so clean and invigorating. I love walking our dog in the rain here and even manage to not get upset by the mud and mess such a walk creates. It is all part of the fun.

Another day, another meltdown!

So Alexandra is still a sick puppy and now her brother has joined her in sick bay. Today was not the best of days. My paraskavedekatriaphobia that had previously never shown itself, came out and bit me today. I am not really superstitious but days like today make me wonder! It started off in the normal way. Made breakfast, woke up children, chugged coffee. The crap hit the fan when I tried to dress Alex. She was not interested at all. Normally I mention the words school and bus and she is ready to roll but today not so much. So I force her into clothes and make myself believe she is going to be fine once the bus gets here. Not so much. Feeling like a crappy mother is not a new feeling to me but I really felt it this morning as the bus pulled away and not so much as a wave from my little cockle. I knew without a doubt that I would be going to get her in no time so I put Owen into the car and awaited the call. It came about 10 minutes later so off to school we go - whee! I arrive at school to find her teacher cleaning out her locker - today is her last day and that is sad. I had heard this may be a possibility but nothing had been confirmed so I felt a little sideswiped. She will be starting at another school Monday which is much better equipped for her needs. Although it is a great move for her, a part of me was so sad to see all her things being placed into a plastic bag and being handed to me. A strange feeling of rejection which was neither warranted or justified. Sad. Owen makes a call that there is no way he is going back home after such a short jaunt so I figure why not take them for a ride - bad plan! In my hazy brain state of late, I have been finding myself not quite as organised as before. I drive up the Kitsap peninsula, across the Hood Canal Bridge and onwards towards the Olympic peninsula - it is a beautiful day for a ride and the scenery is always pretty! After passing the point at which I normally turn around, and filled with a bravado that has no place in one so timid, I decide to continue along the road. I notice that traffic is lighter and anything but trees and fields would be hard to find. The kids are happy in the back, watching a video, drinking juice and occasionally looking out at the scenery (okay I said that to make myself feel better - there could be a brick wall there for all the notice they are taking of the outside world). At the very moment I am thinking I may have gone a little too far, the gas light comes on. Yes I really am that stupid! Panic sets in and I try to think of how long my owners manual says I have left in the tank when the light comes on. For some reason, 11 miles comes to mind. I have seen nothing approaching even an exit off the road in over 11 miles so I am not crapping my pants. I look at my phone and of course there is not so much as a tiny bar to indicate the slightest reception. A horror movie is unfolding in my mind and it is not pretty. I realise that I would not make it back to where I think the last gas station may or may not have been so I press on. Long story short, one side road, a country lane, not one person or building and about 12 miles later, I see what I believe to a Chevron sign up in the distance. It is, I make it, I fill her up and I get home with two children none the wiser that their mother is an idiot!
The afternoon was not too much better and included two meltdowns from Alexandra, two meltdowns from me and two sent to his rooms for Owen. The pediatrician was unable to see Alex until Monday which was the cause of my first meltdown - probably need to find another Doctor after that little outburst! The inability of someone to answer a simple question was the cause of the second outburst. I find people to be the main cause of my frustrations most days. I can usually gauge what my children will do and when they will do it. I can tell when Alex is going to throw herself on the floor and have a meltdown. I can tell when Owen is going to be a complete shit and have a tantrum. These things frustrate me but I can tolerate them because I know why they happen. What I cannot tolerate is people who promise to call you back and don't. People who treat you as though you are a source of annoyance to them - when in fact you are their source of income. Oh people - why?

Flu and the autistic child

Oh boy! Just when you think you have found a way to get through the day, the old germ factory kicks it up and finds a way to make your child a little less happy. The flu bug has found the house and it is merrily making its way through my sanity and helping itself to all my energy! Like that unwelcome houseguest that finds and eats your secret stash of the good chocolate, the flu needs to get the hell out of my house and take his ass elsewhere. Alex is a 3 year old who was diagnosed with autism about 18 months ago. Since that day when the rug was ripped from under us, we have managed to find a way to get into some sort of a routine that could almost seem normal. She goes to pre-school in the mornings, we go to the park or do some other artistic endeavour on those afternoons when therapies are not scheduled and, in general, we have a pretty happy existence There are meltdowns that can sap the ever loving life out of you but the clouds part and there she is with her sunny smile to make it all seem better. The smiles and occasional hugs are what keep you going. The flu is doing its best to take those smiles but I am a strong opponent and will not be vanquished. Armed with a bevy of medicines, soft tissues and patience I must have borrowed from someone, I take on the beast and I know I will slay that bitch and get it the hell out of here. I also know it will return again as they are prone to do. It is all part of the circle and our home is warm and welcoming! . I have days when I feel the weight of unfairness on me but most days I try to see only the good parts of having Alex as my daughter. I am fortunate to have a daughter who is smart, funny, sometimes sweet and always beautiful. I just wish that we were able to find the key that will unlock those parts of her kept closed. I do think we will find it, we just need to keep trying as many keys as we can - eventually one will fit.